The world is always falling to pieces, the wheels are always coming off the bus.
When my first granddaughter, Aaliyah was born, I remember a moment when my family and I were walking back to the hospital after eating this amazing dinner to celebrate her birth at a place across the street from the hospital. I remember taking in that moment and thinking, “This is the perfect moment.”
Right behind that tiny moment came fear—of what was ahead.
The last Easter we had with Anthony, my oldest son, I had the same kind of moment. Everything was perfect. The grass in the yard was green. My pergola was up, Anthony and my husband Stacey had just set it up for me. Tupac was playing on the speaker; Stacey was BBQing and Anthony was drinking a beer as he helped Aaliyah find eggs. Cammie, his second baby, was tiny. We all could not stop staring at her. At one point Anthony and I were in the kitchen looking out the window and we both said how great our life was.
As I looked around and saw how perfect the scene was, I began to panic. I knew something awful was coming. My Tio died shortly after that Easter. Anthony would be gone less than a year later.
A year ago I was sitting in a coffee shop. That same feeling of goodness swept over me. Only, there was no fear behind it this time.
I already knew there will always be more funerals. More death. More loss. There will be floods, mass shootings, cancer, and any number of other crisis situations. There will be more grief and shock and therapy. But what there won’t be for me are more “I should haves”. Because I am soaking up every moment I have with my kids and grandkids. And every moment leading up to good times like future weddings. There will be more dinners celebrating new lives being born into this world and into this family. Most of all there will be so much love.
As I looked around and saw how perfect the scene was, I began to panic. I knew something awful was coming. My Tio died shortly after that Easter. Anthony would be gone less than a year later.
I am so incredibly lucky to have as many people in my life as I do who are amazingly kind and supportive of me and my gifts. I will be present in each moment I get to share with y’all. Life is beautiful. It is worth living to the fullest. On my deathbed, I will be happy and prepared. God willing, I have a deathbed.
I wrote that in the late fall of 2019, before any indication there would be a 2020 like the one we’re having.
In January, there was a rocket attack on the military base where my husband was stationed and we thought that was the worst that could happen but then March happened. A week after the 3rd year mark of Anthony’s suicide the country began shuttering due to a global pandemic—something I never even thought of was happening not only in my lifetime, but right now in real time.
As I read these words I wrote in a coffee shop months before going into this year, I can see clearly what God was saying to me.
There will always be more crisis situations but what matters more than any of them is how much love we put into our relationships. Not in the doing with others but in the loving and talking and coffee dates and laughter. That is what will get us through each crisis. Whether it is a collective one like a global pandemic, or something else, there will always be a crisis ahead of us in life.
How we prepare ourselves for it through building relationships with our friends and family and how we grow in our faith is how we get through them.
Leticia Ochoa Adams writes from Texas, on life, death, grief, suicide, faith, motherhood, doubts and whatever (else) happens to be on her mind.
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