A pithy saying indicative of a generation’s view of the American GI’s stationed in Britain during the Second World War accuses the Americans of being ‘overpaid, oversexed, and over here.’ Some variations exist, including ‘overfed’ or ‘over-decorated.’ While providing a dazzling illustration of British understatement, it convincingly captures much of the social and cultural decadence of which masculinity is often accused – and guilty.
The modern world often looks to extremes and reduces them to their most basic elements. This is seen in the Hollywood reduction of masculinity to two archetypes – the ‘macho’ and the ‘soy’. Such models leave men with an incomplete and unsatisfying self-image. The ‘bad boy’ who attracts many pursuivants but ultimately never takes responsibility. Or the ‘soy’ who claims to be a friend to all, also fundamentally closing the door to duty.
Today is St Valentine’s day, celebrated internationally as a day for love. Roses, chocolates, tacky heart-shaped decorations and candlelit dinners. All supposed manifestations of the true love we have found or are yet to discover. The reality of the feast, however, commemorates love in another way. Valentine died the death of a martyr in service of his faith. Surely, no greater act of love exists than to die for the beloved. Valentine, whose name means something like worthy, strong, or powerful, also showcases what it means to be a true man: stand up for what you believe in, take responsibility for your actions, serve those you love.
Love defines man as it is at the heart of existence. The philosopher Jean-Luc Marion argues this when he disrupts the commonplace metaphysical question of what it means to exist to ask instead why we exist. The answer is: to love and be loved. The search for love is universal, written in our hearts. St Augustine pointed this out with his famous quip that his heart was restless until it rested in God. We all search for this fundamental connection to God, but love of and for another person is for many of us the height of existence. Through loving another, we can ascend to – or glimpse – the love of God. Yet, the person whom we love is not replaceable by another: it is the unique person in their freedom with whom we seek to unite. Hence no substitute or archetype could be introduced in his or her place.
Our times are confused by a concerted disturbance to the natural order and we are left with a decadent culture that ultimately misunderstands love and lacks the tools to deal with the mess it has created. The macho/soy distinction has its feminine equivalent in the ‘madonna/whore’ dichotomy (an established academic term). Either women are perceived as good and pure, or bad and promiscuous. For men the dividing line runs across other standards: strong, independent, and promiscuous, or weak, effeminate and alone. These dichotomies are only seen in the lowest common denominators in both sexes. To be sure, there are biological facts underpinning our differences, but there are also societal constructs buttressing these gendered edifices. The problem is that the contemporary society constructing these images is confused. It asks men and women to engage in a culture of promiscuity – through means such as Tinder – and yet is more aware than ever of sexual transgressions and harassment. In doing this, society breeds its own discontents.
Fortunately, we are not abandoned to this false outlook. By looking to Christ, the Word who became flesh, we see true humanity. When we turn to Christ we see the divine imprint with which we have been created. Moreover, looking to his adoptive father, St Joseph, we find a perfect example of holistic masculinity. All too often St Joseph is interpreted as a weak and passive figure. This is only because some apply modern standards to this ancient yet perennial person. St Joseph rarely speaks in Scripture, and yet speaks volumes through his actions. He accepts the will of God, he takes responsibility for his family, even at great peril to their wellbeing. Naturally, so does his spouse, the Blessed Virgin Mary, who, although the archetypal Madonna, transcends any dichotomising by showcasing the full splendour of femininity. The ancients, even without the aid of divine revelation, saw that a man needs to cultivate all aspects of his character and being. He has a body that must be cared for. He has a soul which must be nurtured through philosophy, and he has a spiritual side that needs to align itself with the will of God.
The problem, in other words, is not that men are mostly bad, as some feminists might say. Nor is it that men are victimised, as some men might claim. Rather, we have lost sight of what seems to be the most obvious truth of the Judeo-Christian tradition: humanity is fallen. Add to this a society that has turned its back on the chivalric and gentlemanly traditions which grew out of this realisation, and you find expectations so confused we cannot be surprised at the lack of their fulfilment. So this week, instead of ‘swiping right,’ go to an event, café, or park, and ask someone for a chat. Who knows, you might find true love.
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