David Blaine’s got nothing on Christina The Astonishing.
Christina Mirabilis was born in 1150, in Belgium. She was orphaned at the age of 15 and became a farm girl. In her early 20’s she began having massive seizures, and by “massive,” I mean they were so big people thought she was legit dead and they straight up tried to bury her.
But unlike Blaine, whose show-stopping live burial was done in a glass coffin (above ground), hers was a real coffin, and thankfully, they never made it to the plot with her. Why, you ask? Because not only did Christina sit up — to everyone’s astonishment (hence, the moniker) — but then she actually levitated all the way to the rafters!
She claimed it was because she couldn’t stand the stench of the funeral goers sins, so she had to peace out… or, er, peace up.
Now, as an outsider, my first question was how do you Catholics separate the Linda Blairs from the Christina Mirabiles? Because if I were a priest, I would’ve been running for a Super Soaker to fill with holy water until I shot her levitating @$$ down.
I guess the reason she was sainted rather than exorcised comes down to where she said she went while she was “dead.”
She claimed she dropped by heaven, hell, and purgatory all during her stay(in her body)cation. Then she said angels told her she could remain in heaven or go back to Earth and try to save others from getting stuck in Hades or the Purg.
Did I just abbreviate purgatory to make it sound like a club in New York City? Why, yes. Yes I did — and now Imma blurb it:
The Purg, New York’s hottest new club. This place has everything – ghosts, lukewarm coffee, sticky vinyl DMV style seating, and a creepy echoing surround sound system where you hear your abuelita praying you into heaven while graphically detailing all your earthly sins for Jesus and explaining how she tried to chancla you out of your coke habit, then confessing the things she found in your apartment after you died, all while Rebecca Black’s hit song “Friday” plays on repeat — full blast — in between her constant prayers because she only stops praying to eat or go to the bathroom.
It also has a Vanishing Blaine … It’s that thing where David Blaine reaches his full trance zone while doing one of his crazy stunts, and he just pops in to swallow a gold fish in front of you then disappears again.
All that to say, I’m glad people believed her Tour de Afterlife story, because she only got weirder post-levitation. She renounced all comforts, wore rags, and initially denied all human contact (to the point where people assumed she was actually possessed and she was thrown in jail). Then, after deciding to interact with humans again, she got kinda wild.
As an outsider, my first question was how do you Catholics separate the Linda Blairs from the Christina Mirabilises?
Like, she’d be all, “Guys, watch this!” and throw herself into a burning furnace where she’d scream in pain, only to come out completely fine. Then she’s jump in a river, get carried down stream, and caught in a mill that according to witnesses, would “whirl her round in a manner frightful to behold.”
No surprise, she got thrown in jail again, then after that she decided to slow her roll (on the river mills) and went to live in a Dominican monastery until her death at 74.
In conclusion: She was the original David Blaine — but, like, for Jesus. Good luck changing my mind on that one. And I don’t know about y’all, but I’d totally go to Vegas to see her. However, if I were a 12th century priest, I’d still be reaching for my holy water super soaker.
Destiny Herndon De La Rosa is the founder of the secular pro-life New Wave Feminists organization. She is a frequent op/ed contributor to the Dallas Morning News and a sought-after speaker.
Cover image: Saint Christina the Astonishing (Mirabilis) church photo with a caption reading “In pestilence, famine, and war, deliver us Lord -— Saint Christina for your community intercede” , by Patrick3Lopez — Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0)