If as a mother you spend much of your time feeling guilty, there is yet another thing you can feel awful about – asking your eldest daughter to help around the house.
Some women are now suffering from “eldest daughter syndrome” which is “the emotional burden eldest daughters tend to take on (and are encouraged to take on) in many families from a young age”, according to Irish news website RTE.
“From caring for younger siblings, helping out with everyday chores, looking after sick parents to sorting shopping orders or online deliveries, eldest daughters often shoulder a heavy but invisible burden of domestic responsibility from a young age.”
I am not sure how they do this given how much time they spend online, but there it is.
I was the youngest child of two, having an older brother, so I have been spared such a burden. However, my eldest child is an eldest daughter and therefore must take on the “burden” of helping her mother around the house.
My wonderful eldest daughter is the eldest of three siblings; a little sister, brother and “the baby”, now 18 months of age. I must admit, I have now and again, once in a while, actually asked her to help out in the house. She has taken on the burden of finding baby wipes, playing with her sister, giving life advice to her brother and playing with her baby brother.
What a terrible mother I am because #EldestDaughterSyndrome is now trending on TikTok, with adolescent girls speaking out about the unfair amount of unpaid (and unappreciated) labour they do in their families, as well as discussing its adverse effects on their lives, health and wellbeing.
This is yet another way the mainstream media can moan about the patriarchy, entrenched gender roles, and the difference between men and women. Women are not, we are told, more caring, and to believe this is dangerous. In fact, it is nearly abusive, according to social media.
“Following a patriarchal pecking order, the eldest daughter often bears the brunt of the burden among her siblings. As voiced by many on TikTok, the syndrome can impair eldest daughters’ wellbeing and ‘steal’ their childhood as they are rushed into assuming a disproportionate number of adult responsibilities – also known as parentification. In doing so, it reproduces gender inequality in domestic labour from one generation to another.”
Down the years I have become accustomed to the media turning vice into virtue (affairs are not betrayals, but liberating), but now they are turning virtue into vice. We are to believe that an eldest daughter reading to her little sister is not a kindness but an undue burden and a waste of her time. Heck, it might stop her from climbing the corporate ladder and who has the right to deny her that? Duty and loyalty to your parents is simply stealing their childhood. What a sad way to view family responsibilities.
In fact, even feminism is responsible for this syndrome as “when working mothers have limited time available for domestic work, eldest daughters often act as substitutes”. As a result, they end up spending more time on care provision and housework. Consequently, mothers’ progress towards gender equality at work can come at the cost of their eldest daughters picking up the domestic slack at a young age. So, working mothers are dumping their home responsibilities on to their eldest daughters. Progress is rarely progress for everyone.
We should think very cautiously about turning ordinary family interactions into a “syndrome”. Giving children chores encourages responsibility and it is not something that should be stigmatised. In fact, this latest attack is a thinly disguised attack on larger families as it becomes inevitable that older siblings will have to help either with the house or with younger siblings in bigger families.
Surely, this debate, like most things, this is a question of balance or, to use a Christian virtue, prudence. It is obviously wrong to abuse a child by overloading that child with parental responsibilities such as caring for younger children to the neglect of their own free time or studies.
I admit that when I was expecting my fourth child, after a gap of six years, I did receive comments saying I had babysitters and lots of on-hand help. Although I smiled nicely, I did think, “this is my child, not the child of my eldest daughter who has her own studies to tend to and social life to enjoy”.
Further, it is probably true that eldest daughters take on more responsibility at home, but surely this is simply because they are more capable by virtue of being older.
Also, it is usually the case that they may have received more of the family’s economic and emotional resources by then; they are the only child of the family that was ever an “only” child and chances are they have the bigger room and they don’t have to wear hand-me-downs unlike the rest. Finally, eldest children frequently enjoy greater affection from grandparents over and above other grandchildren, particularly if they are the first grandchild.
There is nothing wrong with eldest daughters helping their mother either with household chores or looking after siblings, although clearly this kindness should not be abused.
(Getty)
This page is available to subscribers. Click here to sign in or get access.
Areas of Catholic Herald business are still recovering post-pandemic.
However, we are reaching out to the Catholic community and readership, that has been so loyal to the Catholic Herald. Please join us on our 135 year mission by supporting us.
We are raising £250,000 to safeguard the Herald as a world-leading voice in Catholic journalism and teaching.
We have been a bold and influential voice in the church since 1888, standing up for traditional Catholic culture and values. Please consider donating.