‘When I drove Marilyn to work we mainly used to listen to the radio, but since the course started we talk, nineteen to the dozen, about the last meeting.”
This fiancé was referring to the marriage preparation course he was attending back in the 1960s. I was reminded of this remark when I read the emphasis on this subject in Amoris Laetitia. Pope Francis suggested that the form of the course was a decision for the local church, so I am reflecting on some important issues that might be considered. I have my battle honours through a diamond anniversary due this month, several years of running marriage preparation courses, and considerable experience of what can go wrong through years of remedial marriage counselling.
The information that a couple might need immediately comes to mind. I think of such things as handling financial matters, bringing up children, sexual harmony, natural family planning and a shared understanding of the Sacrament of Matrimony. This is usually quite easy to provide, and often supplied by local experts. These topics can provide a basic structure around which the most important outcome can be built.
Pope Francis identifies this in Amoris Laetitia: “Sadly, many couples marry without really knowing one another. They have enjoyed each other’s company and done things together, but without facing the challenge of revealing themselves and coming to know who the other person truly is.”
He is speaking here about the prime importance of the relationship itself, and the skills that are needed to promote it. Any marriage preparation course which does not major on inculcating the foundations of such skills is largely a waste of time.
Let me give you a simple example. Imagine a 10-minute talk on budgeting as a couple, followed by questions. Very useful, no doubt. But let’s suppose that the couples have been given a homework task to create a budget between them using a fixed sum of money. The results may vary, and often promote general hilarity, but, for many, it will be the first budget they have ever constructed. Then, in small groups, the couples will discuss their attitudes to money. Not only will they hear the views of other couples, but they may also, for the first time, hear the real views of their partner. In this way they learn that such attitudes have a high emotional content related to temperament and personal backgrounds. And they begin to see how different approaches must be melded through respect for each other’s views.
This format – homework preparation and discussion of different views under a skilled leader – can with ingenuity be used for most of the vital subjects. Imagine the value of a group discussion on whether it is important to share the same religion. Imagine a discussion on whether male and female attitudes to sexuality are the same. Imagine a discussion on the ideal size of a family. Imagine a discussion on in-laws. Leaders will not be manipulating conclusions but they will be contributing extra information based on broader experience, and ensuring that key questions are considered.
The importance placed on homework and discussion tells us that a course lasting just one day or one weekend is of limited value. Such short courses do not allow for the necessary dialogue and development which the couples can only do on their own. This takes, say, one evening a week for five or six weeks. That sounds a big demand, but engaged couples welcome inexpensive opportunities to spend time together. If couples miss meetings the course is not being successful. We rarely lost a couple after the first meeting.
Participants are recruited through the parish, or several parishes working together. A chaplain is appropriate, but the main staff will be experienced married couples. Some kind of selection process for the latter is needed: not every couple – and, indeed, not every potential chaplain – is suitable. They will need training in the skills of group leadership, including the ability to tolerate views with which they don’t agree. And they will learn to spot the occasional couple who need personal counselling before progressing in their relationship.
As in any long marriage, we too have had to cope with several adjustments in our relationship. The advent of children, career changes, illnesses and retirement have been such occasions. Founded on our clear understanding of marriage as an objective, permanent sacrament in which we participated, we had to learn how to adapt through our respect for each other, expressed and understood in deep discussions.
If we hadn’t, we might have ended up like so many couples we were to meet in remedial marriage counselling. In most cases, the difficulties were born from poor communication. It often required explicit training of couples in communication with each other – a skill which might, over the marriage, have saved many tears.
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