Kate and I had been married for eight years, and had two young children, when she told me that our marriage was in trouble. We had drifted apart, strangers in our own home. Unless things changed, she told me, our marriage would be over in a year.
It was a bolt from the blue. I’d never seen it coming. I had no idea what she meant.
So a few weeks later when I got home from work and saw her letter lying on my bed, I feared the worst. I read it, barely knowing what to think. It was written as a bland “job spec” of what it was to be Harry’s wife: terms, conditions, perks, travel, pay, etc.
The last couple of lines changed everything. “What I really want is a friend,” she wrote. “Will I ever get it, who knows. WHO CARES.”
Those last two words, in capitals, shook me to the core. The despairing tone was obvious. What have I done, I thought. I’ve neglected her so badly. In my mind, it was as if a tiny switch flicked across. Suddenly, with light-bulb clarity, I finally realised that I needed to make our marriage work for Kate.
I walked next door to find her. “I’m so sorry,” I said. “You’ve no reason to believe I will change. But I will.”
That tiny change of attitude, a mental shift to put Kate first, to have her at the forefront of my mind rather than an afterthought, had seismic consequences.
Today, we have been married for more than 30 years and have six children. Both of us would readily admit that it has been far from plain sailing. More of a rollercoaster at times. But we’re still here and our kids are OK, so we must be doing something right…
But how typical is our experience?
As research director for Marriage Foundation, I recently published a report with Professor Steve McKay at the University of Lincoln that looked at what happens to unhappy couples.
We analysed data from a Millennium Cohort Study sample of some 10,000 mothers who had babies in the years 2000 or 2001. Of these, around five per cent reported that they were unhappy with their relationship soon after their babies were born.
Ten years later, two thirds of these unhappy mums were still together with their partners. Of those, most now said they were happy. Out of the original 10,000, fewer than 25 mothers were unhappy at both start and finish points. This is utterly awful for these sad few, but it blows away the myth of people being trapped in unhappy marriages.
What our study shows is that unhappiness in marriage – or as a couple – is relatively rare. More importantly, unhappiness is almost never permanent. In other words, most people who are unhappily married – or cohabiting – end up happy if they stick at it. Like Kate and me, they find ways through.
But it’s also the case that our earlier experience of growing apart after the children had arrived was very typical. The number one cause of family breakdown in Britain is “growing apart”.
In a study I did for Marriage Foundation in 2015, this time with Professor Spencer James of Brigham Young University in Utah, we found that two out of every three parents who split up had reported just a year earlier that they were at least somewhat happy and not arguing excessively. Fewer than one in 10 who split had been both unhappy and arguing a lot.
This is truly astonishing. It strongly suggests that a great deal of today’s family breakdown is far less inevitable than anyone has previously thought.
Here’s what I think is going wrong.
When couples become parents, everything changes. Forget Mars and Venus. The difference between men and women that matters most is that women have babies.
That long experience of pregnancy automatically and subconsciously tunes a woman’s mind towards her child. So, when the baby appears, it’s not surprising that mum tends to take charge and make the decisions.
Like many dads, I loved being involved. But it was all too easy to take a back seat – whether willingly or not – and leave mum to take the initiative. Our conversations gradually deteriorated into a series of functional questions: “Can you do this?” and “Can you do that?”
That was fine for a while. But slowly, eventually, it began to grate. Kate became frustrated at being responsible for everything. I withdrew and focused on work. Kate then felt neglected and micromanaged me. We drifted apart. It was very subtle and very common. We were sleepwalking into divorce.
Somebody has to look after the relationship. With mum’s focus on the child, that needs to be dad. If we men can get into our heads that our first task is to love mum, to notice her, to have her in the forefront of our thoughts, our marriage will be terrific. “Happy wife, happy life” is a real phenomenon.
That was what I did for Kate. I started to notice her. I paid attention when she said I rarely complimented her. I even put a post-it note up to remind me. Today it’s automatic and she loves it. I learnt that she needs me to hang out with her. It’s not natural to me, but I do it because it makes a difference to her.
Is this unfair? Not at all. Do I want my marriage to succeed? Obviously. I’d be a fool if I sat back and waited obstinately for her to do her bit. All I’ve done is recognise that as Kate is child-oriented, I need to be Kate-oriented.
Husband, love your wife. And she will love you right back. In that order.
Harry Benson is research director of the UK-based Marriage Foundation and co-author with his wife Kate Benson of What Mums Want (And Dads Need to Know)
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