We are in the middle of a divorce pandemic, or so the law firms would like us to think.
“It’s an extreme change of circumstances for spouses and any issues in the marriage have been compounded by lockdown,” said one family lawyer, who claimed divorce inquiries increased by 30 per cent over the summer after the first lockdown. Another lawyer, Neil Russell at Seddons Solicitors, said: “I’ve seen an increase in the number of new instructions for divorce, with many clients citing that they’ve realised how unhappy they are in their marriages now they have to spend so much time together. My clients say their dogs have never had so many walks because they’re leaving the house to talk to me.”
It’s true that when we decide to get married, most of us are not signing up to spend 24 hours a day with our spouse. It is fairly normal for couples to go their separate ways during the week and to come together in the evenings or at weekends for what is hopefully quality time. Time spent apart makes the time we spend together all the sweeter. At the very least, it gives us something to talk about over supper. It is therefore not surprising that there has been so much speculation about the effect lockdown has had on our relationships. Almost every couple across Britain was suddenly spending every waking hour in close confinement, which would undoubtedly have been difficult for some. But did as many of them hate it as much as the law firms would like us to believe?
I must admit that the lockdown had its trying moments for me and my husband, and forced some readjustment on both our parts. Since having my first child just over two years ago, I have spent a lot of time at home without my husband who is normally out all day, every day running his company. Babies being non-judgmental as they are means that I have formed certain habits such as working from my bed, lunching on Nutella straight from the jar at irregular hours and ringing my mother about 15 times a day to tell her about the latest interesting thought I’ve had.
Based on a survey of 2,559 parents, the organisation has found that twice as many marriages improved during the pandemic as were made worse.
Suddenly my husband was at home all the time, listening to my phone conversations, watching my every move and – worst of all – wanting proper lunches and insisting on stopping for tea and crumpets at 4:30pm. He was positively excited about all the cooked meals we were going to share over the coming weeks. We were also worried about the future of his company which inevitably affected the mood at home. There were arguments, but there was never a sense that divorce might be on the cards. In fact, having him there had many positives including the extra time he was able to spend with our daughter whom he would normally only see in the mornings before setting off for work.
Most of my friends have had similarly positive experiences. One girlfriend said that her husband enjoyed their mutual confinement so much that he now dreads going to work every day. “It has made him more needy,’ she says, “like the story of people’s cats missing them”, referring to advice from the RSPCA in May which suggested people wean their cats off human contact gradually in the lead up to the end of lockdown. Another friend admitted that seeing how hard her husband works during the day increased her admiration for him and improved their relationship significantly. Similarly, a male friend said that seeing the daily tantrums of his 3 year old made him more understanding and appreciative towards his wife, and as a result more hands-on with his child.
When we decide to get married, most of us are not signing up to spend 24 hours a day with our spouse.
My sense that lockdown has been mostly positive for relationships has been backed up by a recent study by The Marriage Foundation. Based on a survey of 2,559 parents, the organisation has found that twice as many marriages improved during the pandemic as were made worse. In fact, one in five married couples said their relationship had strengthened during the pandemic, compared with 10 per cent who said it got worse. “Covid has spawned a plethora of inaccurate predictions and a divorce explosion was just one such,’ said Sir Paul Coleridge, founder of the Marriage Foundation. “On the whole marriages have blossomed through lockdown, no doubt because of the extra TLC spouses have been able to invest in their relationships freed from the terrible pressures generated by having to spend a lot of the working week at, or travelling to and from, work.”
In a dark and difficult year, it is comforting and perhaps not surprising to know that marriage has prevailed. In the words of Ecclesiastes 4:9: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?”
Olenka Hamilton is a freelance journalist and supplements editor at the Catholic Herald.
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