Scandalously irreverent and theologically imprecise briefs on heroines of the faith, written by a recovering Protestant agnostic seeker with practically no training and exactly zero filter.
After the couple of weeks we’ve had, nay, the YEAR we’ve had, I figured a lot of y’all might want to get acquainted with this Saint. Am I right or amiright?
I saw your Facebook posts about drinking yourselves into oblivion on election night… before you deleted them to next morning, that is. And I get it. We can’t go anywhere, the country feels like it’s crumbling around us, so why not drink yourselves into oblivion?
Well, when I first read this saint’s story I assumed it must have something to do with hooch, but it actually doesn’t. Womp, wooomp.
Bibiana was the daughter of a Christian man named Flavianus, who was banished by Julian the Apostate for his faith. There are conflicting accounts of what happened next… after all it was the 60’s… the 360’s so the details can get a bit sketchy.
Some say her mother and sister died soon after and that Bibiana buried them in her house.
Then she died as a result of her suffering, which, for those of us who’ve seen Poltergeist, totally tracks. You can’t live on a graveyard for this very reason, people! Although, they obviously didn’t have a TV, so I’m not sure how that all actually went down, but I digress.
Other accounts say her mother was actually beheaded and that she and her sister were stripped of all their possessions and left to starve in said home. But then they didn’t because they decided to make lemonade out of them lemons and just began to fast and pray, which sustained them completely.
Of course, this super pissed off Apronianus, the ruler, and he summoned the girls to him. Bibiana’s sister, Demetria, confessed her faith, then dropped dead right there on the spot. Bib, sadly, was tortured to death.
According to Wikipedia, “Apronianus ordered her to be tied to a pillar and beaten with scourges, laden with lead plummets, until she died. The saint endured the torments with joy, and died under the blows inflicted by the hands of the executioner. Her body was then put in the open air to be torn apart by wild animals, yet none would touch it.”
And *now* I get why she’s the patron Saint of hangovers. Because you feel like you’ve been beaten with a lead plummet and you’re being torn apart by wild animals, but in reality no one will come near you because you seriously reek. No. Like seriously.
I’m breaking the fourth wall here and talking to you directly.
The election’s over, go take a shower for goodness’ sake. It’s time to get your shiz together. The planet is healing, and America’s attempting to do the same, blah, blah, blah.
The least you can do is wash your butt and brush your teeth because 2020 doesn’t need anymore vomit stank breath on it, ‘K?
Destiny Herndon De La Rosa is the founder of the secular pro-life New Wave Feminists organization. She is a frequent op/ed contributor to the Dallas Morning News and a sought-after speaker.
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